Predict the health of your relationships

> Question #1: Do you take more than you give?

This is the number one reason people become offended and feel unappreciated. In some cases, one or both parties are narcissistic and selfishly demand worship/obedience without offering something equal in turn. They may use shame or love-bombing/gifts to control others. Some are altruistic narcissists (meaning they appear to be kind, but even that kindness is about controlling others). Statistically upwards of 5% or people are narcissists. If you have a relationship with one, no one can help.

But often it stems from a misunderstanding: one person doesn’t understand what matters to the other. Its like a vegan wife, spending all day making vegan sandwiches for her steak-loving husband, and getting frustrated that he doesn’t care or return the favor. Often people’s needs are unfulfilled because they haven’t gotten to know each other deeply enough.

In either case, if one of you begins to feel that they are living with a slot machine, constantly putting something in, but rarely getting anything back, your relationship is ripe for conflict.

> Question #2: Do you blame or explain?

And while not every relationship can be saved, once conflict starts, in those that remain strong and healthy, participants follow a specific pattern. Instead of focusing on ways to blame the other person, simply explain that you feel hurt. Instead of making it your goal that they feel guilt or "get whats coming," talk about your feelings and needs without accusations and heaping on spoonfuls of shame.

Shame is a very powerful emotion (which is why people use it). But its not only powerful, its very undesirable and painful. In one sense, trying to force someone to feel shame is a type of “emotional torture.” This is where the problem lies: the human ego is wired to be defensive, to impulsively protect itself from all pain, and that definitely includes shame.

So by not trying so shame the other person, you allow them to focus more on caring for you and reconciliation, rather than defending their ego from pain.

The truth is a lot of conflict starts because people are shortsighted, not because they abhor you. But if you start off by accusing them, they will be more interested in defending their ego rather than thinking about you and your grievances. And that, I guarantee you, will only make things worse.